Here We Are Again, You in Spirit & Me in Regret.

So here we are again, in the oh so wonderful city of Boston and many of you are asking why. I had to make a rash decision on my own because I am one of the people that Jenn trusted with her care and because of that I chose to do what I felt was best for her. One of Jenn's final wishes was that she be able to go home when it was time and those in Pittsburgh was unable to give Jenn the care she needed so we were transferred to the hospital that could best meet those needs and eventually get my sister home. I am finding today that being here alone with my sister in spirit and having time to actually read the rest of her journals, that I might actually be ok with all of this. I am still not sure how we got to where we are, with my sister clinging to everything she possibly can to survive and my family split so far apart that we might as well just consider dividing into the 3 separate house holds that we have become but here we are anyway. Our family is so screwed up, that I am finally seeing just what Jenn had to put up with since she was the middle ground that tied most of us together. She didn't really belong but was always there to piece things together and help us figure things out when we needed too. I guess I never really gave my sister a chance as a kid and as I read more about her life in college, I cant even say I deserve to even be a part of her life after what I watched and allowed her to go through. I have failed my sister in many ways but for some reason she never left me or any of us behind for that matter. Not only did we leave her to figure life out for herself but we expected her to figure things out for us as well and now when she needs us the most, it feels that most are abandoning her yet again.
My sister has spent most of her life alone and yet somehow had the faith that could move a mountain and I never understood her. I have never been a woman of faith myself but always felt that if the God she claimed loved her so much really existed then why would he deal my sister such a shitty hand in life. Parents who walked out and left her with us, always getting into accidents, breaking bones, bad relationships, watching people one after one die right in front of her and now even in sickness herself she clings to this power that still seems to drag her through Hell and for what? I'm not sure that I understand or that I ever will but that doesn't change the fact that I am here. Through a crazy twists of events starting with a poorly mopped floor and a broken hip almost 8 months ago, I am glued to Jenn's side just trying to understand. Trying to believe that if there is a "higher power", then she wont be taken away from me just as I am starting to get to know her and love her so much. Just when I am starting to learn so much more about myself and life in general. I am realizing more now that maybe we don't deserve my sister in our lives and maybe that is why thing are going the way that they are. Maybe we have just gotten so comfortable with her always picking up after us and fixing our mistakes and making the come backs that when she needs our support the most, we just walk away. And yet she still keeps fighting for us. For those of us who continue to hurt her even when she isn't able to see and hear us. The same people who have gone back to referring to Jenn as not one of our own but merely an addition to the family left behind by another, even though Jenn has never referred to us as anything other than family. Thinking back now, as I read these journals and remember events through the years; I cant think of one person that Jenn didn't treat like family. Even if they hurt her, she would turn around and treat them no different than one of us. That is what made Jenn my sister and my friend even when I didn't see it. In one of her journal entries from college, she had to write a paper in college about her family heritage and it was a very short paper because like so many people in this world, my sister wasn't able to trace very far back. She simply states in the beginning that she is the last in her family which is sadly true. Although she is not the last of her father's children she is the very last of her mother's and my aunt. Different forms of Cancer and disease have eaten away at our family and Jenn is the very last of that branch which is why I think my Grandfather holds onto her so close. Jenn is the very last bit of my aunt that he has left and in her own words she understands this. "My Heritage has set a standard for me, and I feel honored to uphold it." The only standards I feel that could have been left are that they were stubborn, faithful fighters to the very end and although I may not believe in all the same things that she did, I am still here tonight because I do believe in the standards she holding onto and want to help her in that battle because she is the last. We need to hold onto that for as long as we can, that is why I am here and will continue to be here, even if I am alone.

For those who just wanted the medical updates:
Jenn did make it through surgery yesterday to much of everyones' surprise. They made her sound like an art project with all the fusing of bones and stitching they had to do. They needed to give her quite a bit of blood but they have finally been able to return her heart back to a normal "Jenn" rhythm which many of us know is one of her very own. Her hearts is still week and all her stats are still dangerously low so she is still on constant watch. They are waiting for the antibiotics to completely kick in for the infection she picked up in Pittsburgh and then will start weening her off the coma inducing drugs and vent shortly after. After this, we will discuss bringing her home. This is a day that I have been waiting for, for what seems like forever! (Unfortunately my car died today on the way to get something to eat so lets pray we can get that fixed soon. Until then I am stuck with hospital food. EPIC FAIL!)
On a happy note, I received a call today that my grandfather started opening his eyes but still continues to show no movement from the next down after suffering two strokes. He suffered the second one a few weeks after being moved to a nursing home and was moved back to the hospital. He has only been back at the home 2 days until he opened his eyes today and now he is back in the Hospital in Erie, for tests. We will see where he will go from there. I am really considering having him also moved to the house once Jenn can be moved home and taking care of them both full time. I think it is what both of them would have wanted. I am still waiting to hear the results from the tests but considering my parents are a bit stern with me on moving Jenn, I am not sure when that will be. Ah the joys of family rivalry.

*note*I am sorry that I had to resort back to this thing but I need a place to write and keep my thoughts and I am unable to access myspace while I am actually in here. Another Epic Fail. Katie will do her best at filling that in though. Thanks for being patient with me. You can always try texting. I am pretty lonely at the moment. I am really starting to feel alone in this.